negotiables & boundaries
If you know me, you know. I get very momma bear about negotiation and boundaries. Probably because I am still discovering my own.
The beauty is this: your negotiables and boundaries are not absolute. They can change as you change.
Sometimes we don’t discover what they are until we are in the thick of things and realize this is working, or this is NOT.
What I am learning, is that these negotiables can change, and so can your boundaries. This is for life, for career choices and decisions, and with yourself!
We teach people how to treat us. It’s often unconscious and when we figure it out, we often realize it’s gone too far. That doesn’t mean you can’t change course, re-establish or establish boundaries that are healthier and change what you will negotiate.
Anything coming to mind?
We are often taught/told to simply hold our tongues especially when we first begin our formal pursuit of a degree, a career. Asking too many questions makes you difficult or disrespectful. Not doing as you are told, or what has always been makes you unhireable, or could black ball you. You remember.
These experiences and how we handle them shapes us and our sense of what is negotiable and what are boundaries.
Now, before you start beating yourself up, slow down!!! (and I say this, because I do it too). REALIZING what happened is a win. Now you have something to work with, to change, adjust, and become conscious of.
Remember, there is a difference between power and authority.
I remember my grandmother telling me that when she was little and her father would tell her “sit down!”, she did, but she was standing up inside!! He may have had authority, but she still had her power.
NO ONE has power over you, unless you give that permission. Many have authority to call the shots/make the decisions etc.
YOU decide how that authority affects you and what you do with it.
A program you are in has authority. There are courses that you must take in order to receive the degree. That is not negotiable, and so you figure out your boundaries within that and how you do those classes, and complete them. However, a professor or teacher or administrator does not have power over you. Authority yes, power? no.
As you are pursuing your career, you run into many a gatekeeper. They make the rules, and carry them out. That doesn’t make them in stone. Rules can be negotiated. I am not saying be a bull in a china shop, but don’t be afraid to explore how those rules apply or don’t.
Now, what is most important is you the human being and you the artist and you the CEO of YOU!
Establish your boundaries. Don’t just think them, make them clear for yourself. You don’t need to scream them from a rooftop, or share them on social media, but they need to be clear for YOU TO you. If they aren’t, you will allow others to step over and around, and you will not be firm in maintaining them. Write them down, and know those boundaries change as you change and grow and as your circumstances change.
What is negotiable? What can shift as needed? What does not step over or push on a boundary that you are able to negotiate with yourself, and others?
Now, can this become self-indulgent and delusional? Absolutely!!! Another negotiation!!! If the boundaries you are creating become so immoveable that you are self-sabotaging then it’s time to really reflect and adjust.
An example: if one of your boundaries is that you will never audition for anything but a broadway show on broadway and you have never done anything locally or regionally that gives you a credit - that’s delusional and self-sabotage.
Wanting something isn’t a true boundary. Recognizing the negotiation needs to be in order to get into that room to audition starts with you. You may need to negotiate your self talk; you may need to negotiate your expectations of yourself, and the business; you may need to negotiate your skill sets and if you can meet the demands that you will face as a singer/actor;
Know your worth. That is a boundary. Recognize where you are in the scheme of the business you pursue and negotiate within that.
“I want”, “I should have” are not boundaries nor are they negotiations.
Read the room. Let your boundaries grow and stay flexible in order to change as you change and develop. Negotiate what does not sacrifice your integrity, your power or your authenticity.
Decide how you want to be seen and live that. Keep exploring the differences between what is negotiable in your pursuits, and what is not, or what is not YET. Explore what appears to be a boundary, but gently: is it really a boundary or is it something else?
No absolutes. None. Explore, be conscious, make choices, pay attention, make changes, take opportunities for change.
Nobody does you better than you. Just keep discovering who, why, and what that is!
with fondness & fiercess,
