One would think that if you study/graduate from XYZ, that would make you an XYZer.

Perhaps that’s so in many professions but alas, and alack, not so much in the arts. And yet, the arts seems to give space to, or tolerate those who choose to claim that which they don’t own.

Social media and reality television have made it even more mainstream: if I say I am, I therefore, AM.

Hmmm, not so fast. Language reveals, but so does actual action. This line between “influencing” and clarifying truths can sometimes be hazy at best. Sometimes, it’s truly not knowing but thinking you do. Sometimes, it’s trying to simply get attention. Sometimes, it’s to cause a stir. Sometimes it’s self-preservation or self-delusion.

What I am beginning to recognize is that self-preservation is about your boundaries and finding your lane, while you respect the boundaries of others and their lane.

Self-delusion may often be about stress management, but in creating that particular narrative, it becomes so insular that the boundaries and lanes of the other are overlooked and dismissed, and there is a defensive posture, and excuse.

The self-delusion takes a lot of energy. I mean, A LOT. I look at some I see as delusionary and frankly, am impressed with the effort to keep those boundaries firmly in place.

I know some of you are reading and saying “is that me? am I self-delusional? Am I pretending to be something I am not?”

If you are asking those questions, then no, you probably are not.

You probably have to side step a great deal of boundary breakers and people swerving out of their lanes though. To be fair, when one believes because of the boundary of delusion, that they truly should be somewhere, they don’t even realize what their lane is or who they cut off. It’s usually everybody else’s fault. It is victim-central.

In our industry there is some form of this everywhere we go. It’s utterly exhausting. It’s everywhere, and even more pronounced online.

We see the entire gamut of this phenomena in the studio. Most of the time, it’s simply not knowing yet. What can come across as “attitude” or “arrogance” is often confusion or trying to make oneself look more knowledgeable. Guess what? You aren’t going to look stupid if you don’t know. Isn’t that why you are there? To seek out? A teacher or coach doesn’t need to be told how much you know. They will work with you to enhance the experience of what you DO know and what could enhance that knowledge. Until I have gained your trust, as a teacher, I will always give you slack, because I get how vulnerable this can be. I understand how sometimes our boundaries have to be our words. This is another self-protection. That’s a clear boundary, and one that is respected, but we know why it’s in place. We should treat the “not knowing” with clarity and not humiliation or dismissal. How can you learn if you don’t ask? How do you know what you don’t know if you don’t ask? This allows for mutual respect of boundaries and lanes.

What you say and how you say it and where you say it, speaks volumes of subtext if you are paying attention.

Are you the one or two in the holding room at auditions that talk too much? too loudly? about what? What lane, or WHOSE lane are you in? What are your boundaries? Whose boundaries are you respecting and whose are you disrespecting?

And hey, if you’ve never thought about it before, consider this your invitation to think about it.

Are you one who must say what kind of singer you are? What kind of actor you are? Are you correct? Or have you created a scenario that only you are privy to? Do you have a narrative that you hold onto for dear life and anything that comes up against it, is wrong?

As a teacher, I ask questions: not to trip you up, but to discover what your self-talk is and where you are in your knowledge and understanding, and what you might have in place that is pliable enough or too rigid, so I know how we can securely respect those boundaries and still allow for other possibilities of discovery.

We have ALL been blissfully unaware! Not knowing, not understanding, not having the correct pronunciation, nor the clarity of definition, reveals itself in conversation without any intention whatsoever. That’s a gentle learning moment. That is a moment that could evoke an “AHA!” when treated with respect and gentleness.

The self-delusion or purposefully and willfully disrespecting boundaries is another animal. It is a grift of sorts, even if the one swerving through traffic is unaware themselves. That’s what makes it exhausting. The grift always has another agenda; it has another excuse; it has another lane and boundary that has nothing to do with respect of self or respect of other. It can be learned behavior; it can be response behavior.

Sometimes it’s so vehemently clear that we roll our eyes and just move out the way. Sometimes, it can fool us. Sometimes, it can take us off-guard.

You decide if you want to, or need to, push back on it or not. Sometimes it’s just easier to unfollow/mute, or put your noise canceling headphones on! Just be aware that those who want to be in all the lanes and push boundaries of others, but do not want the same to happen to them, can fatigue us. In our industry, we often hear “oh that’s just so-and-so, they are always like that.” Why do we give it oxygen?

Chosen ignorance on some level, chooses disrespect. If you learn something new, and choose to dismiss it, that is on you. If you learn something that pushes a boundary, you have to decide whether or not it’s time to self-reflect and see if you have to change, or if you have to walk away.

Creating your boundaries and finding your lane doesn’t need to be about making yourself small. Not in the least. In fact, the clearer you are about your lane and your boundaries, the freer you can be to expand and inhabit it fully so there are no delusional moments, repetitive narratives that make excuses, or arrogant missives, or passive-aggressive posts or attitudes!

So, make mistakes, make flubs, don’t know something! Learn to laugh and learn more! Don’t excuse more!

You are where you are, whether you like it or not. No influencer photo or filter changes that. So be there. Claim it. Find yourself there, and find yourself in that space and make it fully yours.

with fondness & fierceness,